Quick Laughs - The Best Short Jokes

Humor is a good way to break the ice, and short jokes are particularly effective as they are easy to tell and easy to remember. Below are some of the best short jokes ever, from the silly to the sophisticated.

Love thy neighbor all through the day... But first make sure her husband's away.

In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the 3rd year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. A man tells his wife that a man is like a fine wine; he always gets better with age. The next day, she locks him in the wine cellar.

Quick Laughs - The Best Short Jokes

There's a couple lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world!" The woman answers, "I'll miss you."

A wife tells her husband, "Give me some money; I want to buy a bra." The husband replies, "What for? You have nothing to put in it!" Then the wife says, "But you wear shorts!"

A husband says to his wife, "When I'm gone, you'll never find another man like me." The wife answers, "Why would I want another man like you?"

A husband tells his wife, "You know, our son got his brain from me." The wife says, "You're probably right. I still have mine with me."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

How do you keep a fool in suspense? "I'll tell you later."

Why was the blonde staring at a container of orange juice? Because it said, "concentrate."

A guy walks into a video store and says, "Can I have 'Batman Forever?'" And the store clerk says, "No, you have to bring it back tomorrow."

What's the difference between chopped liver and pea soup? Anyone can chop liver, but not everyone can pee soup.

Light can travel faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them talk.

A patient says, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills. If they don't work, give me a ring."

"Doctor, you have a patient here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor replies, "Tell him I can't see him."

"Doctor, I have a problem with my memory." The doctor asks, "When did it start?" The patient says, "When did what start?"

"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." The doctor says, "Pull yourself together!"

A man calls emergency; "Come quickly," he says, "my little son swallowed a condom!" 5 minutes later, he calls back, "Its okay, I found another one."

Hopefully, this list of the best short jokes will keep the laughs coming as quickly as they are told. In conclusion, here are 2 more short jokes and one really long joke: Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkke!

Quick Laughs - The Best Short Jokes
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The Shortest Story Ever Told

Ernest Hemingway, as a young newspaperman in the 1920s, bet his colleagues that he could write a complete story in juts six words.

He won the cash with this: "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."

As an example of brevity this is unsurpassed, but is it actually a story? Does it fulfill all the rules of drama which I tend to harp on about?

The Shortest Story Ever Told

Admittedly there is no plot, no structure, no protagonist or antagonist, but this is a story because it evokes an emotional response in the reader, and that is the prime aim in creative writing.

What Hemingway does, and in a masterful way, is leave out everything apart from those words which are going to trigger emotions and leave the reader to fill in the story. It's a cheat, but a brilliant one. His story doesn't answer questions, it poses them, and the main one screams 'What happened to the baby?'

What happened to this baby for whom shoes were bought but which are not now required? Why would a baby no longer require shoes? The responses all seem tragic, death, illness, kidnapping, every one a parent's nightmare. The parents then, or those who placed the advertisement, are the protagonists. The antagonist is unknown, the question of what took the baby. By the time we get to the story it is over and we are left to use our own imaginations to fill in the pieces. We must create, in our own heads, the beginning, middle and probably tragic end.

But is this the only conclusion one can draw? I tried to think up alternatives and they are admittedly weak. A drug addict parent buys the shoes, but then sells them when his craving becomes too much. Possible, but the gap between advertising the shoes and getting any money for them to buy the drugs would seem too great. Another option is if the shoes were bought as some kind of practical joke and, having fulfilled that purpose, are no longer required. This could be plausible but stretches credibility, because the poignancy of those six words is lost. Hemingway didn't make them 'baby' shoes for no reason.

Each word here is carefully chosen, and especially the last two. 'Hardly' worn doesn't do it, and neither does 'unworn' though it would have served to reduce the story to five words. That word 'never' is the key, because it is like a lament for what will 'never' be.

Like the competent director of a horror movie, Hemingway does not show us his monster, he leaves it to our imaginations, and there is a lesson for us all here. Less is, indeed, more. Finding the balance between what exposition to give the reader and how much to conceal places the writer in as precarious a position as any tightrope walker.

I've always advocated rewriting and brutal editing of your own work. All superfluous words should be jettisoned as soon as possible. Hemingway takes my credo to the limit.

The Shortest Story Ever Told
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Stories and Short Poems for Kids: A Family Reading Night

Reading stories and short poems for kids aloud to your children is a critical step in teaching your child to read, but it has a wonderful hidden benefit as well. When you take the time to read to your children you are taking time with them, with no distractions, no cell phone, no computer, no TV. You are showing them that they are an important priority for you. They will love that special time with you, no matter their age.

Many of our read aloud story times have led to some great heart to heart discussions. Reading stories together gives us time to slow down and a reason to talk about things that maybe we wouldn't on a day to day basis. Stories are a wonderful way to teach life lessons, reinforce good choices, model positive morals and open the door to talk about life's difficulties such as sickness or death, dating or peer pressure.

As your children get older and you move into more challenging reading material they will benefit greatly from the discussions that will arise during your story time. Keep communication lines open with your children by simply reading to them. The relationship and communication that your family read aloud times will establish can carry you through what could be some very tough teenage years.

Stories and Short Poems for Kids: A Family Reading Night

There is simply something magical about stories. We are all drawn into them, no matter our age. Sometimes my older child doesn't feel like joining in our reading times because he's too busy listening to music or on his iPod, but inevitably, as we get into the story he is drawn into the room from wherever he was. He can't help but listen - and usually sits down with us to hear the rest of the story.

Institute a story night in your home this week, and if your older children roll their eyes at you just smile, they will learn to love that special time with you.

Stories and Short Poems for Kids: A Family Reading Night
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Kristina Harding has more tips on establishing a family reading night using stories and short poems for kids and more short story fun at Short-Story-Time.com.

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What is Short Story? Learn About the Short Story Genre

Short story is a fictional work which depicts one character's inner conflict or conflict with others. It usually has one thematic focus.

The short story, as the name suggests is basically "short" which runs in length from a sentence to four pages, or to novellas that can be 100 pages long. And therefore, it shows the characteristics of both the short story and the novel. Since some works overlap the definitional lines of the three forms of fiction namely short stories, novella, and novel, it is better to consider the term as approximate rather than absolute.

Short stories usually produce in the reader an emotional and intellectual response. Novels, on the contrary, generally represent conflicts among many characters developed through various episodes, which stimulate a complexity of responses in the reader.

What is Short Story? Learn About the Short Story Genre

Short Tales vs. Modern Short Story:

It is interesting to learn and differentiate short tales and the modern short stories. Short tales go back to the genesis of human speech, and some were written by the Egyptians as long ago as around 2000 B.C. They basically dramatize a simple theme and subject and give emphasis to narrative over characterization. The modern short stories, on the other hand, emphasize language, characterization, mood, and style over the narrative itself.

Distinction Between Commercial and Literary Fiction:

Commercial and literary fiction also needs to be differentiated within the short story genre. Commercial short fiction, From O. Henry to Stephen King, has traditionally employed predictable plot formulas, depicted stock characters, conflicts, and superficial themes. Literary short fiction on the other hand employs complex techniques in order to show the irresolvable dilemmas of the human predicament.

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Christmas Short Stories: Reading Holiday Favorites Together

Ready to start a fun new tradition using great Christmas short stories?

Most families have a Christmas tradition or two that they look forward to sharing together year after year. Traditions draw us closer together and allow us to slow down and enjoy the Christmas season; they're also something special to share with future generations. If you don't have a Christmas tradition, try reading Christmas short stories together this year! It's free, meaningful and gives a slight pause to each day of the hustle and bustle that comes with the holiday season.

Begin on December 1st and read a story each night until Christmas. You may want to plan ahead by having each family member pick out several of their favorite holiday stories to have on hand. You can borrow some from your local library, download them to your iPod (many can be downloaded free), or listen to audio stories. If you are stuck and don't have enough favorites for each day, explore some new stories. We've created a list below to help get you started.

Christmas Short Stories: Reading Holiday Favorites Together

Make story time special by turning off the TV, computers, and iPods after dinner each night (unless of course, you've downloaded your Christmas short stories to your iPod). Light some candles, or gather the family around the lit Christmas tree. Make some apple cider or hot chocolate and have a small treat like a Christmas sugar cookie or shortbread to go with your hot drink. Then settle in to read, or listen to, your Christmas short stories.

You'll be surprised at how much your family will look forward to this quiet time with each other and you may even have some wonderful conversations during or after reading these timeless Christmas short stories together. Story time is also a great way to wind everyone down before bed, both young and old.

Make this Christmas special and begin a tradition that your family will look forward to each year. Your kids will remember this tradition and may even pass it on to their kids someday!

Here are some stories to get you started. You can find many of these free online.
The Gift, by R. Louis Carroll The Story of Babouska T'was the Night Before Christmas, by Clement C. Moore The Christmas Story, the Bible - Matthew Chapters 1&2 The Gift of the Magi, by O. Henry The Little Match Seller, by Hans Christian Anderson The Selfish Giant, by Oscar Wilde The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, by L. Frank Baum A Kidnapped Santa Claus, by L. Frank Baum The Cobbler and His Guest, by Anne McCollum Boyles The Story of the Candy Cane

We hope that you enjoy reading them and continue the tradition for years to come.

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Kristina Harding shares more Christmas short stories and more short story fun on her site at Short-Story-Time.com.

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Writing 101: The Short Story

The most difficult and easiest task of all writing is the Short Story. It's easy if you have a great idea. It's impossible if you don't. To me the best short story ever written is The Book of Job. The most beautiful short story is The Book of Ruth. The best modern short story is Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea.

Now you will say, The Old Man and the Sea is a short novel. Well you are right and I'm right. Let's keep it that way so that we remain friends. The Old Man and the Sea has the elements needed in a good short story except as you said, it's too long if you put a length limit on short stories. My novels are "short" stories if you compare them based only on length to War and Peace. They do not have the elements of a short story. Well, maybe the first chapter of Revenge on the Mogollon Rim does.

In a novel you can wonder hither and yawn and your readers will not only enjoy it, but they will forgive you. In the short story, you must stick to the point. The "point" is the whole purpose of the short story.

Writing 101: The Short Story

Edgar Allen Poe was the greatest writer from Boston. I put it that way as to not offend the other greatest writers. I hope it doesn't offend Poe. I don't want him haunting me every night. Some of his poems are short stories that he didn't stretch out. His short stories are weird but poignant. He invented the detective story.

Poe was found delirious in a Baltimore gutter and died on October 7, 1849 (see http://www.online-literature.com/poe/). Also, Hemingway shot himself up the road a few miles from here. One mustn't take short story writing too seriously. That is why I've remained a hack writer. I call myself "Taylor Jones, the hack writer" to remind me of that fact.

Hemingway learned his writing techniques from the Kansas City Star. He said, "Those were the best rules I ever learned for the business of writing. I've never forgotten them." Here are the rules: short sentences, short paragraphs, active verbs, authenticity, compression, clarity and immediacy. (See http://www.lostgeneration.com/childhood.htm.) Go sit in a corner and memorize these rules. You will need them to write a good short story.

You must remember emphasis and subordination. My old text says so. In other words, "What's hot and what's not?" Emotions, settings, the theme (only one allowed), must be fused snugly together. Here are some examples:

The Book of Ruth: A clever lady snags a husband.

Heart of Darkness: A weird jungle tale by Joseph Conrad. Speaking of MOOD! The horror!

Miss Brill: Katherine Mansfield tells of an old lady losing her self esteem due to thoughtless comments of youngsters. This story is sad.

The Killers: Hemingway's famous story about how Nick Adams is more concerned about death by assassination then is the elected victim.

For Esmé-with Love and Squalor: The story about a little girl and a soldier. You must read this story by J. D. Salinger. Have a hankerchef at the ready.

The Book of Job: The devil picks on God's servant, Job.

Let's write a short story now.

First, take an idea, hook one end to the shady side of your barn and the other end to your mule walking south. Your idea is a wide rubber band. As the mule walks and stretches the band, the band narrows. When it reaches what we engineers call its elastic limit, it will break. Just before it breaks, it is War and Peace. When stretched thin, it is still a novel. Somewhere before that you have a short story.

Now think of point of view. First person is good. Poe liked this view. At any rate, don't go beyond what the protagonist can see and hear with his or her own eyes. Remember this if you write in the third person as did Hemingway. You must not stand back and look at your story through a telescope. It must be intimate.

The protagonist is the main character. Who is the antagonist? You may need one in your story to be mean, nasty, cruel, uncaring, or having some other less than wonderful human trait. (You don't need an antagonist in every short story. Most but not all such stories are called "boring.")

Okay, let's take an idea and run with it.

The sun beat down on the soggy field. Trevor was soaked from the rain, but now the warmth of the sun was quickly drying him. He slapped Bossy on the rump and said, "Let's get to the barn, Bossy. If I don't get you milked before Pa comes home, I'll get the stick." That's when Trevor slipped on a cow patty and slid down the hill into the irrigation ditch. Bossy stared at the irrigation ditch for a while and then went back to chewing her cud.

Writing 101: The Short Story
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Writing Your Life Story - Tips And Techniques For Success

Once a luxury of the rich and famous, technology has, for the first time in history, made it possible for anyone to capture, share and preserve their most precious life stories. With the advent of computers, the Internet, digital photography, video, and audio, anyone can capture the richness and texture of their life stories. These personal histories will be appreciated by family, friends, and future generations.

Today it is possible to easily blend the art of traditional biography and memoir with powerful new technologies into a new form of individual life storytelling: the personal life history. Personal life histories are satisfying to create. And, because of the interactive multimedia possibilities inherent in computers and the web, a well-done personal life history can be rich and fully rounded in ways that are impossible to achieve in text-only memoir or biography. But most importantly, personal life histories preserve vital individual and family stories. And, when properly done, they will last for generations.

In this article you will discover how to use time-honored life story writing techniques along with the latest technologies to create a story that is uniquely "you."

Writing Your Life Story - Tips And Techniques For Success

The Art of Traditional Life-Story Formats

For anyone interested in creating their own autobiography, memoir or personal life history, it is important to understand the distinctions between these forms of telling one's own life story. To over-generalize for a moment, an autobiography is more fact-based, while a memoir is more emotion-based.

Autobiographies are written by the subject, sometimes with the collaboration of another writer. Autobiographical works take many forms, from intimate writings made during life that are not necessarily intended for publication (including letters, diaries, journals, memoirs, and reminiscences) to the formal autobiography. Interestingly, the autobiography format does not necessarily have to be true. It may also be a literary fictional tale.

Memoirs are a form of personal recollection that has grown enormously in popularity in recent times. Memoirs often focus on more subjective recollections such as memories, feelings, and emotions and are generally written from the first-person viewpoint. The memoir is often focused on capturing certain meaningful highlights or moments.

In his own Memoir, Palimpest, Gore Vidal writes that "a memoir is how one remembers one's own life, while an autobiography is history, requiring research, dates, facts double-checked."

Memoirs usually focus on a brief period of time or a series of connected events (an autobiography covers a longer time period). In a memoir, the writer is usually retrospective, and contemplating past events. Memoirs may incorporate the techniques of storytelling such as setting, plot, conflict, character development, foreshadowing, flashback, irony or symbolism. And lastly, writing one's memoir often has a therapeutic effect for the writer.

Oral History Recordings

An oral history is a verbatim transcription of an interview, left in the narrator's exact words. These are usually left in a question-and-answer style and are an economical way to preserve family stories. A recording system with a good-quality microphone and a quiet spot free from interruptions are all that is really needed to capture an oral history. It helps to have questions prepared in advance of the interview.

Oral histories are usually recorded using analog tape or digital recording equipment, but it is also possible to record directly into a personal computer. Oral histories are often transcribed (typed or word processed) into a document format. The conversational style is appealing for its easygoing informality.

Caveats: Recording formats and standards are constantly evolving and could become difficult or impossible to play back if the equipment becomes obsolete. Taped recordings decay over time.

Video History Recordings

Do-it-Yourself: At the basic level, it's easy and fun to create a basic video history. Camcorders are relatively inexpensive, and many computers today come with basic editing software. Capturing a good video history shares all of the same prerequisites as an audio recording: a quiet spot, with questions prepared in advance. Plus, you will want an uncluttered background, flattering lighting, and right clothing to improve the quality of the end product. White shirts, pants or dresses, for example don't show up well on video. Likewise, busy patterns can be distracting. Solid light-colored neutrals or pastels are usually safe.

Professional videographers: A large number of professional video companies specialize in the creation of life story productions. Productions may range from a 10 or 15 minute short to an hour or longer mini-movie, complete with titles, music, and other Hollywood-style effects. Naturally, you'll pay more for a professional production than a homegrown effort.

When selecting a professional use all the usual smart-consumer tips. Ask for references. Ask to see samples of prior work. Get all costs, production timetables and commitments in writing. It's delightful to have movies of an individual or family. When well-executed they often have entertainment value and are great for special occasions.

Caveat: As with audio recordings, formats change over time, and media can degrade, even with proper storage methods

The Integration of Art and Technology: Web-Based Personal Life Histories

Just in the last few years, the Web has emerged as a powerful new medium for creating and sharing life stories. On the web it is not only possible, it is enjoyable and easy to create a rich multimedia story with text, photos, audio and video. This is the new format of the personal life history.

Web-based personal life histories enjoy several advantages over paper-based publishing, audio, video, or even CD life stories. Specifically, Web-based publication is updateable-one can add new information at any time. It is easily shareable among friends or family. The most advanced sites offer choices of privacy and security protection. The web is also multimedia, meaning you can add text, photos, audio, and video. Photos, audio, video are never lost, damaged destroyed. An finally, many sites offer print-on-demand, allowing you to create instant books. The books may be printed on your home printer, or sent out to small-run publishers. If you choose the small-run option, be sure to specify archival quality paper.

One of the biggest advantages of web publishing is the ability to build community around similar interests, occupations, backgrounds or life events. For example, a WWII veteran pilot who posts his story to the Web and makes it available to the public may be contacted by long-lost friends, other veterans, students, historians, museum personnel, or others interested in this pivotal chapter in American history.

Why Create Your Personal Life History?

Mark Twain once said: "There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is impossibility. Inside everyone, there is a drama, a comedy, a tragedy."

A personal life history can be as short as a few pages, or several volumes in length. Whatever the length or medium, it requires thoughtfulness and sometimes quite a bit of work to accomplish. But the work is worthwhile because it has the ability to influence generations ahead. Your personal life history may leave a legacy for your children and grandchildren. As with memoir, writing a personal history allows you to examine and reflect on your life up to the present day. It lets you add your story to the larger historical record of your family, city, and country. And lastly, if you don't do it, who will?

Start with a Timeline of Life Chapters

How does one start to tell the story of a life that may cover 60, 70, 80 years or more? Often it's helpful to create a chronological timeline of major events in your life. It helps to jot down a few notes around key phases in your life. In fact, you may already be thinking of your life as a book, with separate, distinct chapters built around important life episodes.

Of course, not everyone's life follows an identical chronological sequence, but here are a few ideas for chapter headings for your book or story. GreatLifeStories.com uses the following "chapters" to organize life stories:

o Your Beginnings

o In Your Neighborhood

o School Days

o Off to Work

o Romance and Marriage

o War and Peace

o Triumphs and Tragedies

o Words of Wisdom

o Humor

o Words of Gratitude

The chapter system is very flexible. For example, you don't have to start your life story with the days of your birth and youth. Perhaps you had a fascinating experience during the war. As with a movie, you might open your life story with that "scene," then tell the story how you got there.

Once you've got an idea for the "flow," of your story, here are some more specific guidelines to help add color, texture, and authenticity:

Just start writing! Do a mind dump. Get it out of your head and down on paper, the computer, the tape recorder, wherever. Don't worry about how it sounds. Just write. Resist the temptation to edit yourself; there will be time for editing later. Be yourself. Don't worry if your grammar or spelling isn't perfect. Write it as you would say it.Honesty is everything. The best writing tells it like it happened. Include humor. Favorite jokes, stories, anecdotesDetail, detail, detail. What kind of floor did the kitchen have? What color was the scarf she wore when you first met? Go at a comfortable pace. Don't try to capture an entire lifetime in a single session of furious writing. Write, allow time to reflect, and return again to writing. Consult others. Family members and friends can be invaluable sources of facts and interpretation.Use photos to jog your memory. Tip: Set out photos in a timeline of your life, starting from your very youngest days, and moving through current times. Write or record to your visual storyboardLook for themes in your life. Themes are broad ideas that are central to your life. Did you always want to be a pilot? A preacher? Own a restaurant? Be a farmer? Tell the story of how you met your goal, or how the goal changed to something else totally unexpected.

Here are just a few other thematic life story possibilities: a. The Spiritual quest b. The Confession c. The Travelogue d. The Portrait e. The Complaint f. Humor g. The Family history h. The Road to Recovery i. War Story j. Romance

Another Option: Hire a Professional

Most of this article has been focused on creating the do-it-yourself personal life history. There is, of course, the option of working with a professional. The right professional writer or videographer is a highly skilled interviewer and has the proper tools and equipment. And, believe it or not, it is sometimes easier for someone to open up in front of a stranger rather than in front of a family member.

There are many approaches to working with writers or videographers. However, there are a number of similarities in common. The writer/videographer often:

1) Meets with you to determine the scope and cost of the project.

2) Usually sets up taped interview sessions. Depending on your objectives, these may be an hour or two, or 10, 20 hours or more.

3) The recording is transcribed and edited with your input and guidance

4) Once a final manuscript/movie is agreed upon, it may be sent out for printing or duplication.

5) For books, personal history professionals recommend archival bindings and acid-free paper for longevity

6) You receive the number of books/movies agreed upon in your contract.

7) Be sure to discuss services, fees and end products in advance, and get all agreements in writing.

Thanks to high technology, the art of capturing and preserving the stories from one's own life is now open to more people and easier than ever before. A new genre of personal storytelling is emerging that draws on the literary traditions of the autobiography and memoir, while adding audio, video, and web technology to create personal life histories. On the Web, these personal stories personal life histories are multimedia, collaborative, shareable, and instantly updateable.

Enjoy capturing your life story!

References and Further Reading

Web Sites:

http://www.greatlifestories.com

Associations:

The Association of Personal Historians is a 600+ member organization of professional personal historians who create life stories in all formats: text, audio, video. http://www.personalhistorians.org

How-to Books:

There are many good books filled with different approaches and tips for writing a personal life history. Here are just a few:

Daniel, Lios, How to Write Your Own Life Story

Rainer, Tristine, Your Life as Story Books

Roorbach, Bill, Writing Life Stories

Writing Your Life Story - Tips And Techniques For Success
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Mike Brozda is one of the founding members of the GreatLifeStories team. A veteran journalist, he has more than 30 years experience writing for national and international publications. He has also created more than 150 personal life histories for people across the US, Canada, and Mexico. Contact him at mike.brozda@yahoo.com

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